Fear and loathing in Konoha
by Yamazakura
Summary: [SasuNaru] A serie of challenge drabbles, humorous and a little bit crackish. 7. The Uke season
1. Wonders of buttsecks

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA  
****Title**: 1.Wonders of butt!secks  
**Suggested by**: gonrie  
**Rating**: R (for language and _adult themes_)  
**Length**: 598  
**A/N**: This was, primarily, a challenge to make fun of those things that peeve us in SasuNaru fics (like, _Mysterious Lube of Doom_). This one was supposed to be a parody for "OMG, WTF, am I gay!".The result is notquite what I wanted, but nevertheless, it seems rather funny. Oh, and there's an ilustration to this fic, which can be found here: http/ chibi-miles. livejournal. com/ 494. html

* * *

"The fuck?.!" 

Sasuke's determined pace was abruptly interrupted by Naruto's exclamation and a tug on left sleeve.

"What?" the Uchiha took several steps back, taking place beside Naruto, who couldn't tear eyes off the scene he was staring at. Sasuke threw a nonchalant glance as well. "And so? Never seen anyone having sex? What are you, ten years old? Loser." He che'd and went further, not looking back.

"Oi, Sasuke," Naruto seemed to have missed his friend calling him a loser, keeping his eyes on the two hamsters behind the glass.

"What?" Sasuke, way too annoyed by the fact that he had let Naruto take him to Konoha's zoo, didn't want to play a good character; what he wanted was to get out of here as soon as possible, and Naruto, spending half an hour at every cage wasn't helping him achieve this goal!

"Sasuke… Come here. Look, no, really, look." he obeyed and went back with an irritated sigh, wondering how he could let Uzumaki do with him whatever he wanted.

"Well?"

"Sasuke, just look. Aren't those two both … males?"

The Uchiha stared. "Well, yeah. So, what?"

Naruto gasped, finally looking away from two hamsters having a full session of gay sex in broad daylight. His sky-blue eyes bore into Sasuke's charcoal-black ones.

"But how's that possible?"

* * *

They were sitting on a bench in a secluded area of a park near the Hokage building. Naruto, his head down, was drawing in dust what seemed like little hamsters with his toes, though Sasuke couldn't actually tell, because he was trying to explain his innocent friend what it meant to be gay and while doing it, he was watching anywhere but at the kyuubi-vessel. 

"So you see there are those men, who don't feel sexual desire for women, while other men, in reverse, appeal them…" '_Why the fuck I am doing it_?' he wailed inwardly. '_Could have sent him to Iruka-sensei or else_!' "So, seeking not only emotional closeness, but physical as well, they have sex!" '_Oh my God, what am I talking about! Someone, shoot me now!_'

"But… How's this possible?" Naruto muttered, still looking down. "Men do not have… like… you know…" his voice trailed off.

Sasuke wanted to die. Right there. Right then. If he had thought the day was bad when he found himself in the zoo… How was he supposed to explain Naruto all the wonders of gay sex?

"But…" Naruto started again, giving the Uchiha a little break, "you said, those men who have emotional closeness… is it like – like you and me?"

Sasuke jerked back and nearly fell off the bench. All leftovers of his more or less coherent thoughts mutated into one big "The fuck?".

"No, no, no, Naruto, no way! It's not like you and me, not at all!"

"But how then!"

"It's like… Like love!"

"And how do we know if we love each other?"

Sasuke stood up and took several steps away, as Naruto, eyes lit with determination, stood as well and neared him. "How do we know if we're gay, Sasuke? We kissed, if you remember!"

"It was long ago and not true!" the Uchiha panicked. Inwardly, he was summoning hordes of fangirls come and save him _now_.

"Let's discover the truth, Sasuke, let's kiss again!" and Naruto went in for the kill. Sasuke considered shamefully squealing and running away, but then the Uchiha Pride awoke and took the problem in its hands. He stepped forward, caught Naruto running to him and kissed his teammate himself! Proudly.

* * *

_So? How's it to you:shy: The next part is called _Naruto's Magically Healing Asshole_ and was suggested by _desbutterfly _(in lj). _


	2. Naruto's magically healing asshole

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA  
****Title**: 2. Naruto's Magically Healing Asshole  
**Suggested by**: desbutterly  
**Rating**: R (for language and _adult themes_)  
**Length**: 600  
**Disclaimer**: I suddenly realized that I'd never put a disclaimer till now! What a shame. Though no one would think Naruto's mine anyway, am I right:sigh:  
**Fic A/N**: when I got to write it, I was really confused, not knowing how to start… But then the story took its course :shudders: I'm really scared. And sorry for Naruto's dirty mouth. But I wanted him to sound really angry.

**

* * *

"That's magic, man, pure magic!"**

Naruto laughed unnaturally and crawled away from Sasuke's part of bed.

"Magic?" Sasuke's left eyebrow twitched, which for a more emotional person would equal his brows merging with hairline. Naruto wasn't watching though, currently busy with searching for his socks under bed. "What are you talking about?"

"I tell you it's magic!" he repeated stubbornly, fishing out what looked dusty little version of Gai-sensei's spandex, only colored black and with Uchiha fan on the back. "Sasuke, what is _this_ doing under your bed?"

The Uchiha turned red immediately, snatched the spandex out of Naruto's hands and threw it under the bed again. "Don't change the subject!"

"What subject?" Naruto blinked sheepishly, getting an irritated exhale from Sasuke.

"How do you manage to heal so quickly after sex? Your ass _must_ hurt – and it doesn't. It's unnatural."

"How do you know, for fuck's sake? You're not the bottom!" Naruto replied angrily for some unknown reason, blushing.

"That's common sense, idiot. I don't have to be bottom to know that."

"Who are you calling idiot, bastard?" Naruto shouted, jumping to his feet. Sasuke contemplated starting a fight with his lover – he'd do it without a second thought, knowing that afterwards they'd move to kinky sex on any available surface (depending on where the fight would end)… But Naruto was just getting him off the subject, again.

"Is it some secret Konoha's technique Kakashi had taught you along with One Thousand Years of Pain?" Sasuke smirked profusely at Naruto's infuriated expression. "Share it with me then."

"Fuck you, Uchiha!"

"Fuck _you_, Uzumaki, and with great pleasure. So?"

"So what?"

"Tell me, or I'll tug this out of you."

"Know what?" Naruto jumped off the bed and started hurriedly putting clothes on. "Go fuck yourself and get to know how it heals on your own behalf!" and with these words he stormed out of the bedroom, and then – the house, leaving completely confused Sasuke behind.

Why was Naruto so angry, ask me? Well, actually, ask him, but he wouldn't speak anyway. Then ask Kyuubi. He'd tell.

* * *

"_Kukuku…" Kyuubi cackled at Naruto. Hadn't the fox been too big for his cage, he'd fall on his back and start rolling, laughing his ass of. Because the sight of Naruto, with pained expression caressing his own butt, was really something…_

"_What the heck are you laughing at, stupid fox?" he moaned, rubbing his poor rear. "Better heal me right now. I can't wait for some freakish hours to be healed."_

"_No way, kit. I'm not doing it at all! I want everyone to have the pleasure of such a sight!" and the fox continued laughing._

"_What the fuck?" Naruto jumped, shaking fist at his inhabitant, but as he stood straight a bolt of pain stroke him through the spine, making him bent over and caress his butt some more. The fox nearly cried._

"_Okay, demon, now listen here." Naruto hissed dangerously. Though it didn't sound as dangerous as he wanted, because he was still half-bent. "If you don't heal me now, I'll go all tell everyone that you're gay!"_

_Kyuubi nearly choked on his own laugh but then said: "I don't care for humans' opinion, kit. Do whatever you please… Hahahahaha!"_

"_Don't care for humans'… then I'll go all the damn way to the Sand and tell Gaara you're in love with Shukaku!"_

_Kyuubi shut up.

* * *

_

See now? All the humiliation Naruto had gone through was burned in his minded. So Sasuke, with his stupid questions, wasn't helping live it down. "How does it heals, my ass!" Naruto muttered angrily, walking home.


	3. The suspiciously convenient bed

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA  
****Title**: 3. The suspiciously convenient bed  
**Suggested by**: desbutterly  
**Rating**: R (for some language and a whole mount of adult situations)  
**Length**: 775 words  
**Disclaimer**: I wish!  
**Fic A/N**: something I wanted to share… A little gag from this winter's Animatrix(4u):  
"_Giiirls… Who are you cosplaying?"  
_"_We're not girls. We're proud shinobi of Konoha!"_

**

* * *

**

First time Sasuke and Naruto had sex, they had it on Naruto's old sofa, creaky and uncomfortable. It was narrow and in heat of foreplay they _did_ fall off it, crashing on the floor in a heap of tangled limbs. When, laughing, they climbed back and went on with what they'd been doing, neither had a single thought of inconvenience. Because to both of them that piece of furniture seemed to be the comfiest… of all they'd tried before.

_Ground & grass (and forest friends)_

"Sasuke, I think it's neither place nor time for this kind of… activities," Naruto said seriously, trying to catch Sasuke's eyes, which was hardly possible, as the latter had his mouth latched onto Naruto's collarbone and didn't intend to look up.

"Why is so?" he moved even closer, pinning, _nailing_ his boyfriend to the tree and letting his hands wander under the other's tee-shirt. Naruto, occupied by two kinds of feelings at the moment – heat of Sasuke's body and pattern of tree's bark digging into his skin, gasped.

"I'm…" he shifted and winced "uncomfortable here."

"Er?" Sasuke blinked, but then lifted Naruto and carried him a few feet away before lowering to the ground and continuing with his harassment. He spared a moment to take off his shirt and Naruto cursed:

"There's a damn root under my back!" he began to rise, but Sasuke, too aroused to even change his position, pinned him back to the ground.

"You're a shinobi, live it through!" he smirked and nearly ripped Naruto's shirt off him.

"I'd rather… do it in a more convenient place." Despite his words, Naruto had his hands rummaging over Sasuke's body and currently tugging his pants and boxers down.

The Uchiha had a very delicious pale ass, that's for sure. No wonder that, when Naruto's hands retreated to cup Sasuke's face before kissing, one little black-and-yellow bee stung this ass.

* * *

_Sand & rocks (and forgotten plastic shovel)_

It was beyond romantic – to have Naruto here, on the beach, when the sun was setting… Sasuke leaned to him and planted a sweet kiss on his boyfriend's whiskered cheek.

Pulling him closer for a deeper kiss, felt sand crawling under his clothes like an army of small insects. He ignored it nevertheless – what we do for love… - caressing Naruto's inner thigh. It extracted an almost inaudible moan from his and Sasuke let his hand go further… and further… and further, until it cupped his groin, emitting a pleasured mewl from the blond. Sasuke smirked evilly and …received a blow on his head from behind.

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke blinked.

"What the..?" the raven-haired shinobi turned around to see a little kid with pink plastic shovel, fuming angrily at him.

"Don't you hurt Naruto-niichan!" with these words he smacked Sasuke with the shovel – now across the face.

Naruto gasped. "It's okay, Shinji-kun, he did it unintentionally!"

"Really?" the kid weighed up his shovel dangerously.

"Yeah, yeah!"

The kid threw a warning glance at Sasuke and waved Naruto goodbye before leaving.

Trying to get sand out of his pants, Sasuke didn't see Gai-sensei and Lee run past them to the sunset.

* * *

_Desk & chalk (and tests to grade)_

"Iruka-sense-eh-ei can … be back… any minute… gah!" Naruto gasped, his fingers entangled in Sasuke's hair.

"Don't pull," the Uchiha looked up, before positioning himself between the blond's legs. "Those annoying pants…" he muttered, before tugging them away and throwing over left shoulder. He assaulted Naruto's manhood again, getting a reward of another series of pleased moans and groans.

"Sa-sasuke!" Naruto gasped, interrupting him again.

"What?" the Uchiha's irritated look could kill – he didn't like to think his ministrations were not good enough to give Naruto room to think of anything else.

"I'm a cactus."

"What!"

"I've got a whole thousand of splinters in my ass. I can't take it anymore!"

The Uchiha looked dumfounded for a second, before crashing to the desk between Naruto's bent legs laughing. He was in hysterics, bumping his fist on poor furniture.

He was a damn powerful man, no wonder that the desk cracked and broke in two halves, burying half-dressed Naruto and crying Sasuke under itself.

Iruka-sensei was furious.

* * *

In public toilet they crashed out of the booth right under legs of Kakashi-sensei. (And Naruto got a few scratches from a broken door of the stall).

In a river everything was just perfect until Sasuke spotted a frog, as he said, 'looking intently at them'. He accused the poor creature of spying for Gama-bunta and refused to continue.

* * *

So, you see, old Naruto's sofa was a perfect polygon for them. Despite the fact it broke in the process. 


	4. Sakura is dead

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA  
****Title**: 4. Sakura is dead: the inconvenience of females  
**Suggested by**: desbutterly  
**Rating**: R (for some language and gosh! You'll realize when read)  
**Length**: 217  
**Disclaimer**: I wish!  
**Fic A/N**: No one likes Sakura... Why? Kay, she's a real stick in the ass at first, but then she's so nice! Now, with all her caring for Naruto... yup, she's really nice

**

* * *

It was a windy dark evening on the outskirts of Konoha.**

The house was old and creepy and would remind anyone of horror films only, but, actually, it was the residence of SasuNaru club. And on that particular evening the club was having an emergency meeting.

"We have come here to remove an obstacle for the prosperity of SasuNaru love!" a figure in black cloak spoke loudly to the also cloaked audience before. The room, cold and dusty, was lit with only candlelight.

"Hail!" cheered the audience to it leader.

"Here it is!" the leader's high-pitched voice rose and she (and it was obviously a she) motioned to a pile of something, covered with black cloth.

"Hail!"

With evil glint in her eyes, clearly seen even under the hood and in the gloominess of the room (it, actually, was more of a red-laser light, than just a glint) the figure backed to the mysterious pile, never tearing eyes away from her followers, and threw the cloth away to reveal…

The audience gasped.

Under the cloth was lying Haruno Sakura, pink-haired kunoichi, teammate of Sasuke and Naruto, and – yes, an obstacle to prosperity of their love! The audience went orgasmic.

"Kill! Kill! KILL!"

"Mwahahahaha!" the figure cackled maniacally and raised a hand with glimmering in dim candlelight knife.


	5. Sasuke and too OOC confession of desire

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA  
****Title**: 5. Sasuke and too OOC confession of desire  
**Suggested by**: desbutterly  
**Rating**: R (for some language and adult themes)  
**Length**:  
**Disclaimer**: I wish!  
**Fic A/N**: The main purpose of this serie of drabbles was to make fun of over-used cliches/whatever peeves us at SasuNaru fics. That's why I said I like Sakura and then killed her. Nah, I never said my sense of humour is normal!

**

* * *

**

The day was as usual as a day could be in a village full of crazed shinobi – Jirayia was running from a bunch of barely clothed girls, Kakashi was reading porn aloud – to the audience of Iruka's students, while the latter, gagged and tied, was lying in Kakashi's bedroom, getting ready for awaiting doom, Gai and Lee were racing at the background sunset, shouting usual nonsense about springtime of youth… Never mind it was morning.

Naruto, excused from training on the ground of Kakashi's "urgent busyness and lack of missions", was slacking off at Ichiraku, when he suddenly felt shiver run down his spine. It was a bad sign. The last time he felt it was when he ran into Genma and Raidou … _doing it._ Oh, Gosh, he didn't want to remember! But now, the intensity of the shiver was much, much higher… and he couldn't even imagine what could cause him feel like it. Naruto, having learned to trust his intuition, quickly excused himself and ran towards his little fortress – his apartment, with every step feeling worse and worse.

Hadn't he been so stupid, he would have realized that it was his apartment that was concealing the danger, but no…! He just sped up, running in warm arms of destiny… and someone else.

Sasuke was waiting for him at his door, pale to the point, when his skin went blue. On his marvelously blue cheeks was splashed pink blush. In his hands he had a bouquet of pink roses and a heart-shaped box of bonbons. Naruto stumbled and backed away.

"The fuck!" You must excuse him – had you seen this in a nightmare, I'm not sure you'd wake up… Naruto, on the other hand wasn't dreaming.

"Naruto…" Sasuke whispered and … _giggled_. For fuck's sake, he _giggled_. Naruto, having noted that his intuition proved right, did the only reasonable thing one could do in this situation: he screamed.

* * *

"Wait, Naruto-kun!" Sasuke squealed, chasing Naruto.

"Get off!" Naruto screeched feeling the latter close the distance. "Somebody! Help! SOS!"

He threw a glance backwards and ran forward as fast as he could. The streets seemed unusually silent and people-less. Frantically making his way to the safest place he could think of – the Hokage Tower – Naruto took a short cut and soon found himself facing a dead-end. With Sasuke breathing hard right behind him.

"What a chase, Naruto-kun!" He _smiled sweetly_ at Naruto, making him take several steps back until his back hit bricked wall. Trapped.

"Somebody… help…" the blond whispered hoarsely, desperately searching for a way out.

"Here!" Sasuke giggled some more and gave him rather messy and badly bouquet and smashed box. Naruto dropped them to the ground and managed to say: "What the fuck are you doing?"

"What do you think? Confessing my never-dying love to you, _stu-upid_."

Naruto screamed.

Sasuke pouted.

Naruto screamed again.

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"YES!"

"And how do you think, am I supposed to confess?" Sasuke threw him a shy look, emitting another series of pants from his friend.

"…I'd rather expect you pin me to the wall and screw senseless than… this."

"Oh."

Silence spread between them, Naruto still trying to wiggle out of this shit, Sasuke in deep thought as well.

"Hn."

Naruto looked up at the sound of familiar grunt. Sasuke seemed to be returning to his old self – self-confident smirk on his face, blush and smile went flying. He stepped closer and leered at the blond.

"I guess I like your way better than Sakura's."

…and as he pinned Naruto to the wall, the latter seemed to process what he had just advised his friend to do. 'OH SHIT!"


	6. The quest for irrelevant title

**Title:** The quest for irrelevant title, swiped from 'Evanescence' lyrics.  
**Suggested by**: desbutterfly  
**Disclaimer**: blah blah disclaimer blah blah  
**Genre**: Utter crack, as usual.  
**A/N**: I've read somewhere that one should never write after a song/poem, as everything that could be said have been said in that song/poem already. Is it right or wrong? I do not know.**

* * *

**

_**Going under**_

"Sasuke! Sasuke!" Naruto bumped into Sasuke, not being able to stop his running.

"Damn, Naruto, can you not run around screaming?" Sasuke, having fallen on one knee, stood up and now was brushing himself off. Naruto shrugged.

"No, you have to hear it!" he shoved Sasuke his black iPod and without making a stop continued babbling. "It's fabulous! No, no it's _awesome_! Awesome song! You have to hear it, it's like about you and me!" He forcefully put an earphone into Sasuke's ear and smacked the 'play' button.

'_Now I will tell you, what I've done for you,_

_Fifty thousand tears I've cried._

_Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you,_

_And you – still won't hear me!'_

Sasuke realized right away that he did _not _like this song. He stared at Naruto, with closed eyes singing happily along with hoarse female voice and wondered if he had been right at his choice of a boyfriend.

"_I'm going under! Mmm… I'm falling forever!_ Eh? Sasuke? Where are you? Eh? Eh?"

* * *

The next seven days were a nightmare.

By Sunday even Kakashi contemplated the idea of killing not only Naruto, but Iruka as well, as the chuunin sensei was the one to buy him that blasted iPod _and_ get him Evanescence 'Fallen' album downloaded.

Naruto was walking around singing, if not singing, then humming, if not humming, then whistling. If he talked to anyone, he'd quote the darn lyrics whenever possible (and, unfortunately, impossible as well). Like:

"Hey! Are you listening to me? _Hello, I'm your mind_!"

By Sunday Sasuke was: first, very sad about the fact he had let Naruto drag him back to Konoha fro Orochimaru; second, very much sexually frustrated, as the said idiot never stopped thinking about the fucking band and every time he started humming a tune during foreplay, Sasuke's hard on would stop being that hard.

On Sunday they all – including former teams 8 and 9 and team Gai – went on a picnic. Accidentally, there was a river nearby and soon they all ended swimming. Afterwards Sasuke, followed by Ino and Sakura, and later – everyone else except for Naruto, rested on a towel, brooding. It wasn't much later than they could hear Naruto wailing in the river: "_I'm going under!_"

"He has disastrous voice, don't you think, Ino?" Sakura asked lazily, not sparing a glance at Naruto's side.

"You're wrong," Ino replied, "his voice is pretty nice, he just doesn't know how to sing."

"Help! _I'm going under_!"

"Mmmm, no, his voice is awful. Can't you see the screeching notes? He _can_ be good if he concentrates more…"

Sasuke noted absentmindedly, that Naruto's voice is best when he… okay, forget it.

"_Going_-gulp!"

"Oh, he shut up! Wonderful. Want to play cards, Sakura, Sasuke-kun?"

* * *

Naruto, betrayed by his one and only band, was floating down the river, having been paralyzed by mutated fish.**

* * *

**_I'm on vacation now and this piece was stealthfully uploaded in advance... No one writes me... No one loves me... I'm so lonely... Give me a comment?_


	7. The uke season

**Title:** The Uke Season  
**Suggested by:** evilmuffin and shiruartist (title by evilmuffin)  
**Genre**: duh! hail to crack!  
**A/N:** Here I come with an observation. Everyone loves weepyuke!Naruto. Secretly, as everyone tends to deny it. Ah, come on! Why then are there so many fics featuring wu!N? Yadda, yadda...  
**A/N #2**: I made some alterations to the original version posted in sasunaru community on lj. (And I, frankly, hate when authors use japanese in fics. But here is is _needed_.)

* * *

Something _was_ wrong with Naruto. Everyone realized it straight away, as they deciphered someone clad in tight pink tee-shirt and black belt as Naruto. Wait a sec, did I just say _belt_? No, no, that was not belt, those were shorts. Only they were really short. 

Sakura's mouth was hanging wide open and Kakashi dropped his Icha Icha. Only Sasuke smirked at blushing – God, I don't lie, he was _blushing_! – Naruto.

"O-ohayo, Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei… Sa-sasuke…-kun." Naruto looked away. Sasuke looked pleased.

"Oi, idiot, let's spar." He suggested immediately. Actually, Kakashi had had plans for them – as they were 18 now, he could barely call himself their sensei, so he hadmade an appointmentfor a reason. But as he was staring at Naruto, he couldn't bring himself to say a word against Sasuke's.

He and Sakura followed them silently to the training grounds, where Naruto and Sasuke took their fighting stances. But neither had time to blink, as Naruto was lying on the ground, sprawled under the Uchiha, with wrists held tightly above his head. In that position his neck looked particularily yummy.

"Ah! _Yamete_! You hurt me!" Naruto cried out, moaning in pain (Kakashi wouldn't be so sure about 'in pain', actually…). Lone tear fell from his eye. Sasuke nosebled.

Kakashi contemplated idea of mushrooms Iruka gave him fyesterday being not fresh.

Sakura silently promised herself never ever drink _any_ kind of alcohol again.

Sasuke sure looked pleased. His grin as evident as an ear-to-ear one can be, he said hastily:

"I think, we have some urgent busyness with Naruto to pay attention to right away." He stood up, threw Naruto over left shoulder and disappeared, followed by girlish:

"No! Sasuke-kun, put me down! Please! No!"

Sakura and Kakashi exchanged glances.

"I think I need to drink..."

* * *

"Idiot, it wasn't funny!"

"Oh, yes, it was!"

"It was not!"

"Was too, and shut up."

"Oh, come one, just admit your perverseness and let's move on!"

"No way. It was funny."

"Fuck! If I ever play 'truth or dare' with you ever again…"

* * *

I'm still on vacation. And lonely. I finished reading third of three books I took along this morning. There are no english books in hotel's bookstore. Internet is freakin' expensive (2 euro for an hour!). Please, feed my brain. Critisize the hell out of my fic**s**. I'll love you to death when I'm back. 


	8. Infuriating obliviousness

**FEAR AND LOATHING IN KONOHA**  
**Title**: Infuriating obliviousness  
**Requested by**: shiruartist&mija711**  
Rating**: PG-13 to R (hardly)  
**Paring**: SasuNaru (implied)  
**Summary**: Naruto is oblivious to Sasuke's 'feelings' towards him. Ah, yeah. As if.  
**A/N**: Sorry for the delay. All that time I was gathering sarcasm to be able to write it. I'm utterly sorry if there's too much of it in the fic.

* * *

**Infuriating obliviousness **

_Two blondes sit in a café and discuss the latest discoveries of nuclear physics. Suddenly one gasps: _

_"Warning! There's a man out there! Move the talk to soap operas!" _

Uzumaki Naruto learned about ninbirds and ninbees at the age of six. Gasp! Well, true to say, in Konoha kids usually got to know where babies come from when they turned seven, at Academy, during Sex Ed class. But Naruto, being the curious boy he was and placed under the supervision of Sandaime Hokage himself (who had a very useful artifact of a Magical Peeping Ball), got a peek at the truth a little bit earlier. Later on he platonically fell in love with Haruno Sakura, which didn't stop him from perfecting the oh-so-famous Sexy no Jutsu on the ground of numerous porno magazines and XXX-rated movies. Then fate put him under supervision of Hatake Kakashi, who had a habit of reading porno books in public - and let's excuse Naruto moments of hypocrisy – because walking around in form of fully matured naked girl is a bit worse, right? Many things happened from then on, but let's convert our attention to the fact that the already corrupted boy was taught by none other than Jiraya-sannin, the writer of notorious Icha Icha series and self-proclaimed Super-Pervert.

So now – let's face the truth. Do we really think Uzumaki Naruto was a sweet innocent boy? Oh, come on!

* * *

"Sasuke? Are you sick? You're feverish…" Naruto cocked his head to the side, staring at his flushed friend, currently sprawled under him on the ground. 

"Get the hell off me, moron!" the Uchiha's cheeks went beat red and worried Naruto slid off him, suspicious of his state.

"Sure you're not sick?"

"No!" Sasuke walked away, waving him off dismissively.

Naruto watched him retreat and chuckled.

* * *

"Sasuke? Um, are sure you're okay?" later the same day the incident described above took place the two sat at Ichiraku stand, enjoying their meals. Or, actually, Naruto, having finished his miso ramen, was enjoying a cherry-flavored Popsicle, while Sasuke was trying to cover his lap with paper tissues, casting glances at Naruto, as he swirled his tongue around the stick of frozen juice. 

"I am okay, idiot," Sasuke grumbled, shifting uncomfortably.

* * *

"Honestly, Sasuke, I think something's wrong with you!" Naruto stopped abruptly and turned to the Uchiha, a worried smile plastered across his face. 

"Get lost."

"…and I even think I know what exactly is wrong with you."

"…" a vivid blush stained Sasuke's pale cheeks, as Naruto suddenly tackled him.

"What the hell!" the Uchiha hollered. They were in a dark alley and the blond pinned his teammate to the nearest oak without any witnesses.

"Do you think I can't see what's going on with you!" Naruto shouted back.

Sasuke glared at him, making no attempt to set himself free. Hi hissed into Naruto's face:

"Oh really?"

Looking deeply insulted, Naruto spat:

"No need to have an IQ of two thousand to figure that out, bastard! Whenever I look at you - and I've been watching for two weeks, as soon as I got te first signals - you're either unhealthily pale or sickly red; you're always feverish… and…" Naruto stared Sasuke straight in the eyes without even blinking and, not even changing his facial expression, calmly grabbed his groin. Uchiha's eyes bulged out. "And your … is …"

Sasuke didn't even know what to say. He was shocked. What else was he to do other than admit that yes, he did have some… feelings towards Naruto?

"Yes, that's true." He said looking away. This was certainly not the way he had imagined things to turn out.

"Sasuke…" Naruto stepped back, releasing him and the Uchiha was presented with the saddest smile one could ever muster. "When did this happen?

"I don't know… I didn't actually notice."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry."

Sasuke, who hadn't even thought about being rejected, stared at Naruto, not getting where he was leading the conversation to.

"But don't worry, old hag Tsunade is a wonderful medic, she'll help you!"

Wait a sec. Did Naruto think he needed a _cure_! He'd rather say he needed a session of hot steamy sex...

"Naru-"

"just tell me, Sasuke." Naruto's eyes were filled with sorrow. "Who was it?"

"!" Sasuke felt dizzy. When did he lose the thread of their conversation?

"Who was it that infected you with syphilis?"

…

Silence fell among them.

"Syphilis?"

"Well, I thought that could have been tripper, but the condition of your … genitalia - oh, of course I looked up the symptoms in a medical encyclopedia - is a distinct sign of syphilis. Who was it, Sasuke? Who?"

_What _was he to do? Sasuke fled.

Naruto laughed. Oh, sweet revenge!


End file.
